Doctors say that providing a sample should be preceded by a certain period of abstinence (and not just abstaining from sex), but they can’t agree on how long. The longest recommended intervals that I have come across are 2 to 7 days; the most frequently cited length of abstinence was 3-5 days. Supposedly, a shorter interval since the most recent ejaculation can reduce the volume of ejaculate and the concentration of sperms. But if you think that the longer you abstain, the better the results, you are going to be disappointed: after a longer period of abstinence, your sperm start to get lazy, meaning that you can end up with reduced motility. Here, of course, the problem arises only when abstaining from sex – feel free to abstain from other “vices” as long as you can manage: it can only help.

The semen sample should be acquired through masturbation, not by interrupting sex. This is because the sample might otherwise be contaminated with bacteria from the woman. Nor should the sample be taken using regular condoms, since these usually contain spermicides. I have heard, however, that in some places, you can buy special condoms for collecting a semen sample. I will have to look into that.

The semen is best analyzed when it is still fresh. If you cannot manage to provide a sample in the sample room, you can do it elsewhere (at home or a hotel; I’ve even heard that some people use parks near the assisted reproduction centers, but I’d be worried about being arrested for disturbing the peace). The vessel with the ejaculate must be transported without being exposed to light, at body temperature, and for no more than 60 minutes. Chilled sperm supposedly don’t wiggle as much, distorting the results. Some experts recommend transporting the vessel under your bra, but I personally don’t like to wear them. If the semen is brought in from outside, the laboratory staff will make a note of this. One reason is that the lab cannot be sure that the man is delivering his own sample, and it could later be accused of having mixed up samples.

Some people – for instance, paraplegics – cannot provide a sample in the usual manner. In such cases, the sperm are acquired using artificial ejaculation (electrostimulation or vibrostimulation) or through an operation. Sometimes, handicapped individuals go for regular electroejaculation treatments, since this is one way of improving the quality (especially the motility) of their sperm.

Fertility clinics and assisted reproduction centers usually have a sample room where you will find various materials for promoting (or destroying) your fantasy. Only a few places still send men to the toilet to provide a sample. It is interesting to see how such centers usually present themselves on their websites: cozy waiting rooms and laboratories with the latest technology. But I’ve never come across pictures of the room that is the most important for men... Help me fix this situation. Take a picture of your sample room and send them to me here  along with information on its location. I’ll put them online so that other guys will know what to expect. But please: only still-lifes. Figurative art belongs elsewhere. You can find the pictures in the Department of Disinformation under the section Reproductive clinics as you normally don’t see them.

I found a beautiful description of the actual procedure on the website of the renowned British daily The Guardian in the discussion below an article on sperm donors. The post was written by “Moishe” at 6.26PM. Check it out here.

 And here is a joke that used to make the rounds online:

A seventy-year-old man goes to the doctor to get a fertility test. The doctor gives him a jar and tells him to bring it back the next day at least half full. The man comes back the next day, but the jar is totally empty. The doctor asks why. “Well,” says the old man, “it’s like this: I tried using my right hand, nothing. Then the left. Nothing. Then both, but still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried using her right hand, nothing. She tried the left hand. Nothing. Then both, but still nothing. So she tried her mouth. With teeth, without teeth. Still nothing. So we called the neighbor, and she tried it with her hands, her mouth, but nothing.” “What?! You called the neighbor?” asks the doctor. “Sure,” the old man answers, “We all tried as hard as we could, but we just couldn’t get that damn lid off.”

Another good way to prepare for providing a sample can be by singing the blues. For inspiration, check out this scene from the movie Maybe Baby.

 Some men have trouble providing a sample exactly then when it is most needed; for instance, when their partner is in the operating room having her eggs removed for fertilization with your sperm. If you can get some out, that is.... You can avoid such a pickle by putting your sperm on ice, like for a rainy day – or rather, for when you’re all dry. (The eggs are not frozen because there has been little success in thawing them afterwards, while thawing sperm is no problem. They can withstand just about anything – after all, they’re yours!).

In my opinion, few things can be done “on command.” In fact, some studies claim that trying to have a child destroys spontaneity! Maybe they’ve been doing these studies on young inexperienced bunnies. The older, more experienced of us know that having a clear timeline is a win-win situation: you don’t have to worry about creating a romantic atmosphere. Don’t believe me? See what the experts have to say.

Providing a sperm sample is a heroic act. Forget about all those laparoscopies, hysteroscopies, folliculometries and so on that women undergo. Sperm samples require thorough preparation. Sometimes, however, guys take more time than their partners are willing to tolerate; it could be months or even years. This may result in forced sexual abstinence, which – as I said earlier – does not lead to a better spermiogram (doctors recommend no more than a week). So grit your teeth and get a move on. Being a man is not about the results of your spermiogram, but about having one done in the first place!!